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lyrics

I do not have the words to say what i must to you. The ones i know slide off this nebulous orb and hit the floor of my mind like sandbags. Indefinite waves ricochet where language is inadequate. I saunter towards you, mouth zipped shut, weighed down by these sandbag words disassembled into meaningless syllables. Dead weight. The orb still haunts me. I produce an empty wine glass from my pocket and place it on the floor. After staring into your eyes for a time, i ram my fist from the top of the glass to the ground, shattering the lip and driving the jagged stem through my fingers into the palm skin of my hand. Blood seeps from the center and washes the tiny shards along the edge of the pool. I pull the icicle stem from my hand and lay it sideways on the ground, delivering another blow. Blow after blow, cut after cut, the glass has disintegrated into crystal snow. My skin hangs off my fingers like the fringe of a leather jacket. Delivering my message, I look up from the dark pool and find you have left again. In your place is the familiar orb, destroyer of words, indifferent to my bleeding wreck. For the first time in forever I feel rage. I jump at the orb and try to wrestle it from the sky. It tries to shake me loose, like a life ring in a hurricane. Eventually I wrestle it into the ground and crush it into my chest. It explodes into yellow smoke and immediately something becomes obvious to me. The elusive message that took so long to capture. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything that I have done. I’m sorry for every person I have been. I never wanted to hurt you and I would destroy myself if it made the world better for you. I stand up and call your name with no response. I step to look for you, but I fall to the floor. I am losing so much blood. The circle of blood and glass extends far beyond my feet, coagulating into a diamond encrusted scab on the concrete. Now my face is on the ground, and shapes are pushing the corners of my vision to the center. Perhaps it is better this way. With my last breath I throw my apology into the wind, hoping it will be carried to you. More words come to mind, diluting to letters, then lines, then the color of black.

credits

from All Roads Lead Home When Yr Crawling, released September 21, 2018

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Disrapture Productions Denver, Colorado

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